My Publication Day...a confession by G. Lawrence
Asked to write about the
experience of publication day as an author, I find myself with a confession to
make. Publication day for me is often a hard day, a low day, often a day I do
not look forward to.
I understand for many people
this would be an exciting day. It is the completion not only of a project and
long span of work, but for many the realisation of a dream. Becoming a
published author is a dream for many people; it was so for me the first time.
The first book I ever published I remember I checked and double checked so many
times when formatting, and hitting the save button for release on Amazon KDP
was exhilarating. You then wait for sales and reviews, often with both dread
and excitement. The first time I published it was very much like this for me,
but now, thirty odd books into my career as an indie author, the experience is
a little different.
I would like to say that I
love being an author, and I am well aware how fortunate I am to be able to do
what I love for a living. I started writing more than ten years ago when still
working in another job, and due to my writing and some lucky breaks I managed
to leave that job and have since supported myself full-time as an author. That
is a privilege, frankly, and I am well aware it is not something everyone gets
in life; to work in their dream job. I have not made it ‘big’ as the saying
goes, but I can support myself with my work, and that is amazing. Many writers
have to work and work at their art, and it is often not a question of
talent but one of being ‘seen’ as an author amongst so many. I am fortunate to
have a small, but loyal and interested reader base, and they are the ones who
keep me in writing as my day job, and therefore they are the ones I have to
thank for this privilege. I connect with readers who enjoy my work, and even
some who do not, and every day I have a sense of anticipation and enjoyment
about my work. So many people are not so fortunate, and I was one of them in my
last job. It is rare I have a day off, and even when I do I am generally
researching, planning or reading for my next book or others in the future. Mistake
me not, I love my job.
But publication day is a day I
do not look forward to.
To be clear, publication day
is a mixed bag for me. The completion of a book is a great feeling, and
when it is well received it is even better, but publication day for me often
comes with a feeling of sinking depression. Up until the time of publication,
it has just been me and the book. In our own little world we have existed,
working together at times, frequently struggling against one another at others
(there is a stage I find when it feels the book, obviously a creature with a
mind by this stage of writing, is actively fighting back, determined to not live
up to the dream I have in my mind), but it has just been us. Our world has been
small, safe and private. As soon as the book is out in the world, it is not
really mine anymore. The book, gone to readers through kindle or paperback, is
in their hands after publication. How it is viewed, received, interpreted or
seen is very much up to each reader’s experience. The little world of safety is
gone, and I cannot bring it back after the book has left my hands. I cannot
protect my creation. Setting it free, as I must, it sails out into the world.
It may be welcomed or derided, some will love and some hate, or possibly worse;
some may be indifferent. The world of me and the book has vanished, and
although I know that time cannot go on forever, I miss it.
And for me, publication day is
the end of a long stream of work, of thinking of little else, and in letting go
I find I have a hole in my life, something that only can be filled by writing
more, writing again, trying once more to pull the idea in my head out, and
display it to my readers as best I can.
The late, great Terry Pratchett
said much the same, and for this same reason he always started another book on
the day he sent the last away either to his editor or publisher, which explains
the sheer volume of his work, and I think this hole created by the release of a
book may be something many writers encounter and seldom talk about. It is
possible some, like me, don’t want to appear ungrateful about the fact we have
our dreams jobs, and some perhaps don’t want to live up to the tired notion of
the struggling, tortured artist, but the fact is there are positive and negative
sides to all work, and writing is work. Just ask the strain on my neck, wrists
and back if you need something to support this.
Possibly one of the most
depressing elements of life is to find yourself without purpose. When not
writing, I feel without purpose, therefore the day of publication comes to me
as a mixed blessing and curse. I have completed my book to the best of my
ability and it is time to see what my readers think, but then the book is gone,
and I find myself feeling rootless. Perhaps writing is a drug and I am
addicted, but there really aren’t many twelve step programs for writers. The
only solution I have found is to follow the Pratchett method; I am now not ever
without something to write, otherwise I find myself feeling like despondent
driftwood tumbling along in a stream.
Anyone who reads my books will
know I have written a lot of books over the last ten years or so. This act of
trying to avoid this gaping gap in my life caused by releasing a book is one of
the reasons why. Writing is work, but it is also not just a job, and I defy
anyone who says it is. Ernest Hemingway said; “There is nothing to writing. All
you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and it’s true. I bleed into my
writing. My life, my troubles, my issues spill into my books. I write (mainly)
historical fiction in first person perspective, which some readers hate, but
when you do this you really have to put yourself into the mind of the character
you are writing, and they get in your mind too. I try to express their thoughts
and motivations as I think they were, and some of me gets mixed in along the
way.
Writing is what I do, and it
is in part who I am, but it is something else for me too. Without writing I do
not think I would have made it through some of the hardest times I have had to
face personally. Even when terrible things happen in my life, and perhaps even
more so during hard times, I am writing. When I am happy, sad, or things are
falling apart, I am at my desk. Sometimes when I have felt I had little to
cling to, I always knew writing was there, so I had at least one thing. Writing,
and by connection reading, are the ways I have found to understand life, to
cope with problems, issues and tough times. Writing is therapy, of a kind, and
in writing about the lives of others I often find insight into my own.
And these creatures I create,
live with in a small, safe world and then release… I do feel they have a life
of their own. Each book I write understands me during that particular period of
my life better than anyone, even myself. Each book is a way of attempting to understand
something I do not understand. Each one is a way of figuring something out, and
even if I do not come up with all the answers, each one helps me. I said before
that sometimes I feel the book and I are fighting each other, that my books
have a mind of their own, and that is how it feels; that each one is a living,
breathing creature, something I have created, and perhaps they are. Each one is
a part of me. Sit down, type and bleed, indeed.
There was a time when, if I
heard this from another author, I might have rolled my eyes, and even to my
ears this does sound a little dramatic, but it is also true. I don’t want my
readers to be worried about me. Yes, I am perhaps odd, but all of us are in our
own little ways. I’ve had troubles in life, as have we all, and we have to find
ways to understand and cope with those troubles. Writing is my way, and I hope
you too have found ways of your own. We all need a crutch in life, sometimes
many, to help us along the way, to help us be resilient. And the fact is that
because of this strange reaction to publication, I write more. I hope that the
people who enjoy my books want more books from me, so really this works
out well for us, because I do not like to be without a book to be writing, so
that means my readers get more to read.
Other writers may not feel the
same as me, but if you do find yourself feeling downcast rather than elated
when you publish, just know you are not alone. I have no cure for you or for me,
aside from the very thing that made us sick. When you feel lost or low after
publishing, I find it helpful to get out the computer or notepad, and start
again, because perhaps the truth is you have more questions that need an
answer, more tales to tell, and the creature you have created and set free has
siblings waiting to be born. They are inside you, the author, waiting
impatiently to be written, and thereby escape into the world.
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