My Publication Day...a confession by G. Lawrence


Asked to write about the experience of publication day as an author, I find myself with a confession to make. Publication day for me is often a hard day, a low day, often a day I do not look forward to.

I understand for many people this would be an exciting day. It is the completion not only of a project and long span of work, but for many the realisation of a dream. Becoming a published author is a dream for many people; it was so for me the first time. The first book I ever published I remember I checked and double checked so many times when formatting, and hitting the save button for release on Amazon KDP was exhilarating. You then wait for sales and reviews, often with both dread and excitement. The first time I published it was very much like this for me, but now, thirty odd books into my career as an indie author, the experience is a little different.

I would like to say that I love being an author, and I am well aware how fortunate I am to be able to do what I love for a living. I started writing more than ten years ago when still working in another job, and due to my writing and some lucky breaks I managed to leave that job and have since supported myself full-time as an author. That is a privilege, frankly, and I am well aware it is not something everyone gets in life; to work in their dream job. I have not made it ‘big’ as the saying goes, but I can support myself with my work, and that is amazing. Many writers have to work and work at their art, and it is often not a question of talent but one of being ‘seen’ as an author amongst so many. I am fortunate to have a small, but loyal and interested reader base, and they are the ones who keep me in writing as my day job, and therefore they are the ones I have to thank for this privilege. I connect with readers who enjoy my work, and even some who do not, and every day I have a sense of anticipation and enjoyment about my work. So many people are not so fortunate, and I was one of them in my last job. It is rare I have a day off, and even when I do I am generally researching, planning or reading for my next book or others in the future. Mistake me not, I love my job.

But publication day is a day I do not look forward to.

To be clear, publication day is a mixed bag for me. The completion of a book is a great feeling, and when it is well received it is even better, but publication day for me often comes with a feeling of sinking depression. Up until the time of publication, it has just been me and the book. In our own little world we have existed, working together at times, frequently struggling against one another at others (there is a stage I find when it feels the book, obviously a creature with a mind by this stage of writing, is actively fighting back, determined to not live up to the dream I have in my mind), but it has just been us. Our world has been small, safe and private. As soon as the book is out in the world, it is not really mine anymore. The book, gone to readers through kindle or paperback, is in their hands after publication. How it is viewed, received, interpreted or seen is very much up to each reader’s experience. The little world of safety is gone, and I cannot bring it back after the book has left my hands. I cannot protect my creation. Setting it free, as I must, it sails out into the world. It may be welcomed or derided, some will love and some hate, or possibly worse; some may be indifferent. The world of me and the book has vanished, and although I know that time cannot go on forever, I miss it.

And for me, publication day is the end of a long stream of work, of thinking of little else, and in letting go I find I have a hole in my life, something that only can be filled by writing more, writing again, trying once more to pull the idea in my head out, and display it to my readers as best I can.

The late, great Terry Pratchett said much the same, and for this same reason he always started another book on the day he sent the last away either to his editor or publisher, which explains the sheer volume of his work, and I think this hole created by the release of a book may be something many writers encounter and seldom talk about. It is possible some, like me, don’t want to appear ungrateful about the fact we have our dreams jobs, and some perhaps don’t want to live up to the tired notion of the struggling, tortured artist, but the fact is there are positive and negative sides to all work, and writing is work. Just ask the strain on my neck, wrists and back if you need something to support this.  

Possibly one of the most depressing elements of life is to find yourself without purpose. When not writing, I feel without purpose, therefore the day of publication comes to me as a mixed blessing and curse. I have completed my book to the best of my ability and it is time to see what my readers think, but then the book is gone, and I find myself feeling rootless. Perhaps writing is a drug and I am addicted, but there really aren’t many twelve step programs for writers. The only solution I have found is to follow the Pratchett method; I am now not ever without something to write, otherwise I find myself feeling like despondent driftwood tumbling along in a stream.

Anyone who reads my books will know I have written a lot of books over the last ten years or so. This act of trying to avoid this gaping gap in my life caused by releasing a book is one of the reasons why. Writing is work, but it is also not just a job, and I defy anyone who says it is. Ernest Hemingway said; “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and it’s true. I bleed into my writing. My life, my troubles, my issues spill into my books. I write (mainly) historical fiction in first person perspective, which some readers hate, but when you do this you really have to put yourself into the mind of the character you are writing, and they get in your mind too. I try to express their thoughts and motivations as I think they were, and some of me gets mixed in along the way.

Writing is what I do, and it is in part who I am, but it is something else for me too. Without writing I do not think I would have made it through some of the hardest times I have had to face personally. Even when terrible things happen in my life, and perhaps even more so during hard times, I am writing. When I am happy, sad, or things are falling apart, I am at my desk. Sometimes when I have felt I had little to cling to, I always knew writing was there, so I had at least one thing. Writing, and by connection reading, are the ways I have found to understand life, to cope with problems, issues and tough times. Writing is therapy, of a kind, and in writing about the lives of others I often find insight into my own.

And these creatures I create, live with in a small, safe world and then release… I do feel they have a life of their own. Each book I write understands me during that particular period of my life better than anyone, even myself. Each book is a way of attempting to understand something I do not understand. Each one is a way of figuring something out, and even if I do not come up with all the answers, each one helps me. I said before that sometimes I feel the book and I are fighting each other, that my books have a mind of their own, and that is how it feels; that each one is a living, breathing creature, something I have created, and perhaps they are. Each one is a part of me. Sit down, type and bleed, indeed.

There was a time when, if I heard this from another author, I might have rolled my eyes, and even to my ears this does sound a little dramatic, but it is also true. I don’t want my readers to be worried about me. Yes, I am perhaps odd, but all of us are in our own little ways. I’ve had troubles in life, as have we all, and we have to find ways to understand and cope with those troubles. Writing is my way, and I hope you too have found ways of your own. We all need a crutch in life, sometimes many, to help us along the way, to help us be resilient. And the fact is that because of this strange reaction to publication, I write more. I hope that the people who enjoy my books want more books from me, so really this works out well for us, because I do not like to be without a book to be writing, so that means my readers get more to read.

Other writers may not feel the same as me, but if you do find yourself feeling downcast rather than elated when you publish, just know you are not alone. I have no cure for you or for me, aside from the very thing that made us sick. When you feel lost or low after publishing, I find it helpful to get out the computer or notepad, and start again, because perhaps the truth is you have more questions that need an answer, more tales to tell, and the creature you have created and set free has siblings waiting to be born. They are inside you, the author, waiting impatiently to be written, and thereby escape into the world. 




My latest book is Lady Psyche, book two of The Armillary Sphere, Story of Lady Jane Rochford. The series begins with Mistress Constancy
Links to Mistress Constancy and The Armillary Sphere series
Author page Amazon

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